Loneliness after retirement – How Kellie-Ann joined a choir and found friendship

In 2021 I finished my role at a not-for-profit where I was the CEO. It had been a tricky time – we’d gone through COVID and there was a lot going on so I thought retiring would give me the chance to rest, relax and reset. It was wonderful for a period. I felt like I was on a big holiday.

But after a while I started to feel lost and disconnected. My friends and colleagues were still working. I thought they’d reach out but of course they were busy. So much of my working life defined me so when it stopped, I didn’t know who I was anymore.

Finding new purpose after retirement

I told myself that I could wallow or I could do something about it. Then I thought: What are the things that I wanted to do when I was working but never had time for?

Joining a community choir came to mind.

I’m not a gifted singer, but that didn’t matter. I knew I wanted to find a women’s-only choir that didn’t require an audition to join. So I did a bit of research and found something. I phoned the organisers who invited me to come along for a trial one Wednesday night.

The night came and so did my nerves and self-doubt. I’ve done lots of things in my career, but this was something else entirely. I sat in the car with butterflies in my stomach thinking ‘What am I doing? You’re kidding yourself, you can’t sing.’ I could easily have run away and no one would have been the wiser. But I took a deep breath and said to myself, ‘Kellie, get out of the car and go to the door. Come on, just do it’. I’m so glad I did.

From the moment I entered, it was as welcoming as you could possibly imagine. There were about 80 women from a range of backgrounds and it felt like one big hug. There were a few other newcomers too, so the conductor asked us to sing scales together to work out our voice range. And that’s how I got into the choir.

The friendships and mental health benefits from joining a choir

Joining the choir, particularly at a time when I was feeling lost, disconnected and lacking purpose, was so important for my self-esteem, self-confidence and sense of connection. I started to look forward to my Wednesday nights and still do 4 years on.

I’ve met a range of women that I probably never would have come across, and I’ve developed some lovely friendships. We meet socially and support one another. If somebody’s feeling down or going through a rough time, there’s always somebody there to listen without judgement.

We aren’t professional singers, but together we make beautiful sounds. It’s brought joy and a sense of achievement and really helped my mental health.

“Joining the choir … was so important for my self-esteem, self-confidence and sense of connection.”

I am now out of retirement and working again, but the choir is still a big part of my life. I think it’s important to have something like that because work can be all-consuming and you can start to lose yourself. It’s good to have something that’s just for you.

Where to start if you’re feeling lost or disconnected

If you’re feeling lost, I suggest asking yourself these questions:

• What is it that you may have done when you were younger and want to revisit?
• What do you enjoy or what are you passionate about?
• Is there anything you’ve longed to do but always put aside because you were too busy?

Once you’ve answered at least one of these questions, it can help to do a bit of research. Try to find something that’s right for you, whether it’s a book club, gardening group, singing, dancing, whatever it may be.

Think about the location, time commitment, cost, accessibility and whether you want it to be age- or gender-specific. Then perhaps chat to the organiser or visit the venue to get a feel for it and see if it’s right for you.

If you feel nervous like I did or don’t believe you can do it, remember that you can do more than you think. Push that self-doubt and negative self-talk aside and take that first step. Because you are capable and you are wonderful and you might just have a great time.