What can affect your sex life?

Every person’s sexuality, regardless of gender, is unique. Many people believe that men have a higher sex drive than women, but that’s not always true.

If you’re in a relationship, issues can arise when one partner wants more sex than the other. There’s no right or normal amount of sex you should be having. The important thing is to find a good balance that works for you and your partner.

Research suggests that women have far fewer orgasms than men, especially when they are in heterosexual relationships. This is known as the pleasure gap.

The pleasure gap is not because women’s orgasms are more elusive. It’s often due to women not getting the clitoral stimulation they need.

Movies often show sex scenes of women having instant orgasms without any foreplay. This sets up unrealistic expectations in real life.

It can be helpful to take the focus off intercourse when seeking sexual pleasure. A recent study found that a combination of genital stimulation, deep kissing and oral sex was the best way for many women to reach orgasm.

Sometimes women find it hard to orgasm because they feel pressured to climax quickly. It may help to change the focus from climax to pleasure so you can relax and enjoy the moment.

You can also touch yourself with hands or a vibrator during intercourse to increase your sexual pleasure.

When you feel entitled to pleasure, you may be more confident to tell your partners what you want sexually. You may also feel empowered to say no to sex acts that make you uncomfortable.

Sexual arousal is the way your body responds when you have positive sexual thoughts or fantasies and anticipate sexual activity. When you feel aroused or turned on, more blood flows to your genitals. This triggers natural lubrication in the vagina. Arousal feels good. Your heart beats faster and you may feel warm and tingly.

It’s common for people to have problems with arousal at different times in their lives.

Lack of arousal can be due to different factors. For example:

• negative ideas about sexual touching and sex
• painful sex
• health issues
• certain medicines
• life distractions
• lack of privacy
• relationship problems
• unequal roles or workload in the home.

It can take time to learn how to relax and become aroused. This is often achieved through regular positive sexual
experiences.

Try these practical tips:

• Make sure your bedroom is a comfortable temperature.
• Minimise distractions so you can be in the moment (e.g. turn off your phone).
• Focus on your feelings and senses.

People who have experienced sexual abuse may need counselling to help with the trauma before they learn to become aroused and enjoy sex.

The pelvic floor muscles support the womb (uterus), bladder and bowel. They form a sling from the pubic bone at the front to the tailbone at the back.

If these muscles are weak, it can cause problems such as incontinence and prolapse. When pelvic floor muscles are overactive, they can switch on involuntarily when they should be relaxing. This can make it hard to have sex.

Problems with your pelvic floor can lead to:

• painful vaginal sex
• reduced sex drive and arousal
• less frequent or intense orgasms.
• A pelvic floor physiotherapist can help with pelvic floor issues.

Your partner’s health can affect your sex life. For example, fatigue, health conditions or problems with getting and keeping an erection (erectile dysfunction). They can ask their doctor about treatment options, which may include medicine or psychological support.

Sex is not just a physical experience, it’s an emotional one too. When you feel down, it can be hard to get in the mood for sex.

Many things can affect your emotional state and sex drive, such as:

• anxiety and depression
• stress
• low self-esteem
• poor body image
• negative ideas about sex
• bad experiences, including sexual abuse and trauma.

It’s important to pay attention to your feelings and find ways to deal with them. You can try talking to people you trust or a counsellor. If you often feel low and uninterested in sex and other pleasurable activities, you can talk to your doctor.

Alcohol and some drugs can help people to relax and reduce anxiety. But they may have a negative effect on sex drive and arousal. If taken in excess they can cause arousal problems.

If you need help to reduce drug and alcohol consumption, see your doctor.

Many medicines can affect your sex drive. For example:

• steroids
• antidepressants
• the Pill
• menopausal hormone therapy (MHT)
• progesterone therapy.

If you’re worried that your medicine may be reducing your sex drive, see your doctor.

If you are worried about your sex drive, see your doctor. They will check if any physical conditions or medicines might be causing the problem. They may also refer you to a counsellor, psychologist, sexologist or relationship therapist.

There are lots of great resources about sex drive and how to enjoy your sex life. For example:

• Good Loving Great Sex by Dr Rosie King, Penguin, 1998
• Where Did My Libido Go? by Dr Rosie King, Penguin, 2010
• She Comes First by Ian Kerner, William Morrow & Company, 2010
• Becoming Orgasmic by Julia R. Heiman, Joseph LoPiccolo, Leslie Lo Piccolo, Atria Books, 2005
• Come as you are by Emily Nagoski, Simon & Shuster, 2021
• OMG Yes, online resource, omgyes.com (fees apply)