When Jill entered midlife in the early 2000s, menopause wasn’t a hot topic of conversation like it is today. Loss of sex drive can happen with menopause but, says Jill, “no one ever talked about it”.
Now aged 70, Jill says her experience has been devastating. But, she adds, there is power in speaking up.
Everyone talks about hot flushes, but I never had them. For me, it was the sudden loss of my sex drive. No one prepared me for it, and it still upsets me more than 20 years later.
I started going through perimenopause in my late 40s. Looking back, the changes in my body and my sense of self were big. I barely slept and losing my sex drive was confusing, not just for me, but for my husband too.
I thought there’d still be a few more years of enjoyment in that part of my life, but it just vanished. It felt like a kind of bereavement, like something had been taken from me.
It almost ended my marriage. Thankfully it didn’t, but it was ‘touch and go’ for a while.
At the time, I had no idea where to turn or who to talk to. Thankfully, I had a good GP who referred me to the Jean Hailes Clinics. At Jean Hailes, the doctor was incredibly kind and really tried to help. But the truth is, my libido hasn’t returned.
At menopause, changing hormone levels can cause symptoms that affect your sex life. These symptoms include dry vagina, lowered mood and night sweats. For many women, the pressures of midlife can also impact life in the bedroom. Learn more about what can affect your sex life.
What made it harder was that no one ever talked about it. Outside of my marriage and health care team, I didn’t really have a support network. It just wasn’t something I could discuss – not with my sister, and definitely not with my mother. It felt like something I had to carry quietly, not out of shame; there just wasn’t a space for it.
[Loss of sex drive] needs to be talked about more openly because when something affects you so deeply but stays invisible, it can feel really isolating.”
Jill on menopause
There was only one friend I opened up to, just once. I told her, ‘Don’t be surprised if you lose your sex drive.’ But looking back, I’m not even sure if that was helpful. Maybe she didn’t experience that symptom at all.
Even with supportive health professionals, I wish there had been more conversation, more preparation, more honesty. It may not have changed the outcome, but at least I wouldn’t have felt so blindsided by it all.
I still enjoy closeness and intimacy with my husband, but it isn’t the same after the change, and that’s been really hard to come to terms with.
This part of menopause needs to be talked about more openly because when something affects you so deeply but stays invisible, it can feel really isolating.
I hope that by sharing my experience, other women won’t be caught off guard. I want them to talk openly and know what's possible so they’re not left grieving in silence like I was.
By bravely sharing her story, Jill illustrates what can happen when health issues are left largely unspoken.
Every menopause experience is different, but if you are worried about your sex drive, it’s important not to suffer in silence. Speak to your doctor, who may refer you to a counsellor, psychologist, sexologist or relationship therapist.
You can also find information about menopause and sex, including tips for partners.
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