There are many things that can affect your sex life, including your sexual desire, life stage, physical health and emotional wellbeing.
Learn more about common issues and things you can do to maintain a satisfying sex life, regardless of your age or life stage.
Sexual desire (libido)
Mismatched sex drive
The pleasure (or orgasm) gap
Sexual arousal
Life stage
Physical health
Your partner's health
Emotional wellbeing
Drugs and alcohol
Medicines
What you can do
More information and resources
Sexual desire or sex drive is your level of interest in sexual activity. It’s normal for your sexual desire to go up and down at different times and for different reasons.
Things that happen in daily life can impact your sexual desire. For example, arguments, family problems and life pressures.
It’s important to look after yourself (physically and emotionally) so you can deal with life’s challenges. For example, eat a healthy diet, do regular physical activity and take time for yourself. This may also help you to feel more relaxed and improve your sexual desire.
If you’re in a relationship, the quality of your relationship can have a direct impact on your sexual desire. A healthy relationship is likely to have a positive influence on your sex drive. But if your partner is not meeting your emotional needs, your sex drive can be affected in different ways.
Some issues that might contribute to a loss of sexual desire in a relationship include:
You may be able to rekindle your sexual desire by addressing these issues. This can take time and patience. You might need help from a professional counsellor, especially if you can’t get past certain issues or if you’ve had bad sexual experiences in the past.
Every person’s sexuality, regardless of gender, is unique. Many people believe that men have a higher sex drive than women, but that’s not always true.
If you are in a relationship, issues can arise when one partner wants more sex than the other. There’s no ‘right’ or ‘normal’ amount of sex you should be having, as long as you find a good balance that works for you and your partner.
Research suggests that women have far fewer orgasms than men, especially when they are in heterosexual relationships. This is known as the ‘pleasure gap’.
The pleasure gap is not because women's orgasms are more elusive. It's often due to women not getting the clitoral stimulation they need.
Movies often show sex scenes of women having instant orgasms without any foreplay. This sets up unrealistic expectations in real life.
It can be helpful to take the focus off intercourse when seeking sexual pleasure. A recent study found that a combination of genital stimulation, deep kissing and oral sex was the best way for many women to reach orgasm.
Sometimes women find it hard to orgasm because they feel pressured to finish quickly. It may help to change the focus from climax to pleasure so you can relax and enjoy the moment.
You can also touch yourself with hands or a vibrator during intercourse to increase your sexual pleasure.
When you feel entitled to pleasure, you may be more confident to tell your partners what you want sexually. You may also feel empowered to say no to sex acts that make you uncomfortable.
Sexual arousal is the way your body responds when you have positive sexual thoughts or fantasies and anticipate sexual activity. When you are aroused or ‘turned on’, increased blood flow to your genitals triggers natural lubrication in the vagina.
Arousal feels good. Your heart beats faster and you may feel warm and tingly.
It’s common for people to have problems with arousal at different times in their lives.
Lack of arousal can be due to different factors. For example:
It can take time to learn how to relax and become aroused. This is often achieved through regular positive sexual experiences.
Try these practical tips:
People who have experienced sexual abuse may need counselling to help with the trauma before they learn to become aroused and enjoy sex.
Your sexual interest can fluctuate throughout your life. For example, it might peak when you first start having sexual relationships and fade after many years in the same relationship.
Your sexual interest may also decrease at certain life stages, for example:
After having a baby, increased prolactin hormone levels (which triggers breast milk production) can reduce your sex drive.
Other things that can affect your sex drive include:
It’s important to take care of yourself after childbirth. There are no rules about when to start having sex again, but many healthcare professionals advise waiting four to six weeks after giving birth to have vaginal sex.
As you get older, especially after menopause, you might notice changes in the way you experience sex. For example, you might experience a loss of sex drive and reduced sexual responsiveness. This can be worse if you have early or premature menopause.
At menopause, changing hormone levels can cause symptoms that affect your sex drive. Common symptoms include:
Lower levels of oestrogen around the time of menopause can also change the tissues of your vagina and vulva. This means your vagina can become drier and less elastic, leading to:
Menopausal hormone therapy (MHT) and oestrogen cream or pessaries may improve vaginal symptoms and increase your sexual desire.
Around the time of menopause you may gain weight, especially around your belly. Your changing body shape can make you feel self-conscious and less desirable. This may reduce your interest in sex. If you want to achieve and maintain a healthy weight, talk to your doctor or see a dietitian.
Learn more about menopause.
Your physical health can influence your emotional wellbeing and sex drive.
You may feel tired if you don’t get enough sleep or you have too many things on your plate. It’s important to adjust your priorities and take time to relax (e.g. meditate, go for a walk, do things you like to do). A good balance between work, play and relaxation will help improve your energy levels and interest in sex.
Medical conditions that cause symptoms like pain, discomfort and fatigue can reduce your sexual desire. For example:
PMS is when changes in hormones around the time of your period cause different symptoms, for example:
You might not be interested in sex when you have PMS. Take time to rest and look after yourself. Your sexual desire is likely to bounce back when you feel better.
Your sex life can be affected by conditions that affect your vulva and vagina. For example, infections, skin conditions, vaginismus, vaginal atrophy and cancer. Some of these conditions can lead to painful vaginal sex (dyspareunia).
Read more about vulval and vaginal conditions.
The pelvic floor muscles support the womb (uterus), bladder and bowel. They form a 'sling' from the pubic bone at the front to the tailbone at the back.
If these muscles are weak, it can cause problems such as incontinence and prolapse. When pelvic floor muscles are overactive, they can ‘switch on’ involuntarily when they should be relaxing. This can make it hard to have sex.
Problems with your pelvic floor can lead to:
A pelvic floor physiotherapist can help with pelvic floor issues.
Your partner’s health can affect your sex life. For example, erectile dysfunction is a common condition that can make it difficult for men to have penetrative sex. There are lots of treatments available, including psychological treatments and medicines. If your partner has difficulty getting and keeping an erection, they can talk to their doctor.
Sex is not just a physical experience, it’s an emotional one too. When you feel down, it can be hard to get in the mood for sex.
Many things can affect your emotional state and sexual desire. For example:
It’s important to pay attention to your feelings and find ways to deal with them. For example, by talking to people you trust or a counsellor. If you feel low and uninterested in sex and other pleasurable activities, see your doctor.
While certain drugs and alcohol can help people to relax and reduce anxiety, they may have a negative effect on sexual desire and arousal. For example, if taken in excess they can cause arousal problems. If you need help to reduce drug and alcohol consumption, see your doctor.
Many medicines can affect your sex drive. For example:
If you are worried that your medicine may be reducing your sexual desire, see your doctor.
If you are worried about your sex drive, see your doctor. They will check if any physical conditions or medicines might be causing the problem. They may also refer you to a counsellor, psychologist, sexologist or relationship therapist.
There are lots of great resources about sexual desire and how to enjoy your sex life. For example:
This content has been reviewed by a group of medical subject matter experts, in accordance with Jean Hailes policy.
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