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Talk about painful sex

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Overview

Experiencing pain instead of pleasure during sex is more common than you may think. Yet many of us struggle to talk about it with our doctors, who may be able to help.

The silence may come from a sense of stigma or shame, a belief that somehow we’re ‘failing’ in the bedroom. But really, none of us needs to suffer in silence.

Here, two doctors who work in the area talk about how to raise the issue with your health professional and get the most from your consultation.

This page is part of our women’s health series, offering simple, practical tips to help you make the most of your medical appointments. This includes advice for:

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Talking about painful sex

Dr Margaret Redelman OAM, a GP and sex therapist says that if you’re feeling embarrassed, the best way to raise the issue is to first own it. “Try saying, ‘I’m really embarrassed to be talking about this, but this is what’s happening to me. Are you able to help me?’”

The direct approach is also supported by Dr Karina Severin, a Jean Hailes GP with a special interest in sexual health. “Be open about it,” she suggests. “A useful way to bring it up might be, ‘I’m having some trouble with sex.’

“Even if you feel awkward about bringing it up, the doctor will help you with the conversation.”

Awkwardness is a feeling which, while uncomfortable, will not harm you, adds Dr Margaret.

Talking about midlife brain fog

Talking about brain fog can be tricky. It’s a symptom that often comes and goes, and can be hard to describe. But Jean Hailes GP Dr Tessa King says that providing details and examples of your experience is crucial.

“If you’re not performing as well at work, or if you’re having difficulty in juggling the schedule of everyone at home, tell the doctor.”

“You can say things like, ‘it feels like a physical fog around me’, or ‘my brain is not working with the same clarity as before’.

“Even using the word ‘brain fog’ can be helpful. The doctor will be trying to make sense of the symptoms, so the more detail you can provide, the better.”

Associate Professor Caroline Gurvich, deputy director of HER (Health, Education, Research) Centre Australia, agrees. “Tell the doctor exactly what is happening:

  • if you have difficulty remembering names
  • if you feel you can’t make decisions as efficiently as you used to
  • and if you can’t find the right words to describe what is happening, use the term ‘brain fog’.”

When sex hurts

We speak to three women about the realities of living with pain, and share insights and advice from the experts.
Read now

When to visit a doctor about pain during sex

First things first, it’s important to take action and to make an appointment. One of the factors stopping women from seeking treatment is that they worry that the issue is trivial, says Dr Margaret.

“We need to empower these women and help them understand that their pain is as valid as any pain,” she explains. “Each person’s experience is as valid as the next.”

“The myth out there is that sex is natural. What’s true is that the instinct is natural, but the performance is a learnt experience.”

When you go to the doctor – Easy read

Easy Read fact sheets are about what happens when you go to the doctor, including tips on what you can do before, during and after your appointment.

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