'There is no shame in seeking support' – Leah’s advice after mental health crisis

Warning: This story contains references to suicide. If this brings up distressing feelings for you, please contact the Beyond Blue Support Service on 1300 224 636 or Lifeline on 13 11 14.

Before my mental health took a turn, I was always the chatty, bubbly type. Happy no matter what was going on.

I had dreams of becoming an art curator and building a life with my partner.

But the reality turned out quite different.

Art curating was a hard field to break into, so I started temping while trying to launch a small business.

After the end of a traumatic relationship, I found myself living alone and up against mounting financial pressure.

Work got stressful, life got hard and my mental health started to unravel. But it came on so gradually, I didn’t recognise what was happening.

I thought I was a failure

I didn’t know much about depression or anxiety. I thought the exhaustion, insomnia, headaches, forgetfulness and intense rage I was experiencing was because I wasn’t smart or strong enough to tackle the demands I was facing.

So I held it all inside.

I started to isolate myself from people at work. I gained a lot of weight, lost a ton of money and had no joy or positivity left.

People ask me why I didn’t seek help at that point. I guess at the time I didn’t think my problems were ever worth interrupting someone else’s day for. I didn’t want to bother them, including my mum back home in New Zealand, especially with something that was so intangible. And it happened so gradually, so sneakily into my life, that I didn’t even notice it wasn’t normal.

I was way too proud to tell anyone and I genuinely thought it would be easier for everyone if I took myself out of the situation. So one morning before work, I tried to end my life.

The turning point

Upon realising what I was doing, I sat back quite shocked, embarrassed and deeply saddened that it had come to that point.

Eventually, I googled my symptoms, filled out a questionnaire and felt a wave of relief when I realised I may have depression. It was validation for this invisible thing that was plaguing my life, and better still there were ways to help me.

That day, I got help over the phone from a caring person who was able to direct me to crisis support.

I called my mum and she jumped on a plane that night to come and be with me.

Later, I found a psychologist I gelled with and got medication. I also learnt that I had anxiety, depression and PTSD.

It’s taken a huge amount of work, but I’m now in a far better place.

What I want women to know

I’m sharing my story because I want others to know there is no shame in having a mental health condition or seeking support.

I think women especially are taught to look after others, to be perfect and not selfish. We take on too much and try to manage everything when really we shouldn't have to.

If you are struggling, know that the way you are feeling isn’t your fault. And please get help early. There are accessible supports that really do work.