I got a sexually transmitted infection at 51: I'm devastated

Nearly a decade ago you contracted genital herpes. Can you explain what happened?

I’d been having a casual sexual relationship with a man for about 6 months when I was 51. One day when we met again for some afternoon interactions, I noticed he had a small pimple on his penis. I thought, ‘What a strange place to get a pimple,’ and didn’t think anything more of it. Ding, ding, ding! I had no idea it was herpes.

How did you come to the diagnosis?

Initially I thought I had a urinary tract infection (UTI) because there was a burning sensation when I’d wee. I couldn’t get in to see my regular doctor so I described my symptoms to another doctor. He didn’t examine me but gave me medication for a UTI and off I went.

The medication did nothing and by the time I got to see my regular doctor I was in agony. She got me to do some STI tests and the diagnosis was life-changing.

How did it affect you physically?

I’d never been so sick. My doctor said she’d only seen one case worse than mine. I had burning blisters in my genital area and flu-like symptoms. I also had this excruciating nerve-type pain from my bottom to my ankles.

But the hardest symptom was difficulty weeing. It felt like I was being stabbed with a burning knife. The only way I could wee was to do it sitting in a warm bath, then I’d wash myself off in the shower.

I was working casually at a café so had to keep going to work to get paid, especially being single with a mortgage.

From my first symptoms to feeling well again was over 2 months.

How did you get through work in that much pain?

I just had painkillers and antivirals and kept going. I thought, ‘What else can I do?’ I had bills to pay.

But what about going to the toilet?

I made sure I didn’t drink a lot during the day so I wouldn’t need to. I’d go at home before work in the morning then again when I got back.

What about the emotional effects?

They are and always will be devastating. I was so embarrassed, I didn't tell anyone except my doctor. Even now, 9 years on, I’m gutted. I can’t talk to many people about it because I don’t want them to go, ‘Oh my god, I don’t want that.’

Are you angry?

I was very angry that the guy who gave it to me brushed it off. When I spoke to him, he said, ‘I don’t have that.’ If he’d said sorry, it would’ve been easier.

Beforehand, were STIs ever on your radar?

Probably not. Once you get to your 50s, most women are approaching or past menopause. I’d had a hysterectomy at 48 so had this freedom once my periods stopped. I thought, ‘Well I’m not going to get pregnant.’ I guess I didn’t think about the other risks.

In terms of education growing up, we were always told to use spermicide and diaphragms – by school teachers, not my mum. I never thought of condoms. That’s what boys were supposed to worry about, right?

You’ve told only a few close friends. How did those conversations go?

It was nice to talk to someone apart from my GP and counsellor about it. But my friends don’t understand herpes or the devastation of it. It was just, ‘Oh that’s no good.’

I’ve actually found a nice group of girls half my age who’ve got it and we’ve been out a few times. It’s nice to talk with people who understand.

What’s changed since your STI? Have you set new ground rules around sex and protection?

I haven’t thought about protection for a long time because I’m very hesitant to start something new. I don’t want herpes to define me, but I’m terrified I’ll pass it on. There’s also the big question of disclosing and what you say and how, and dealing with the rejection. I didn’t have sex for 7 years.

In the couple of instances where I have had sex since the diagnosis, I didn’t have symptoms and we used condoms. The first guy was an old friend, the second I met on a herpes dating site. The second guy wasn’t really my type but it was refreshing to be sexy and intimate without any worries of infecting each other.

How do you manage the condition now, including any flare-ups?

It’s actually very manageable now and the symptoms are a lot milder when they appear. I’ve probably had 3 or 4 outbreaks in 8 or 9 years. When there’s a flare-up, I go back on antivirals and use cold sore cream.

What do you want other women to know about safer sex?

If there’s any doubt about your partner’s sexual health, question things. Don’t say, ‘It’ll be okay’, because there are times when it won’t be okay.

Speaking up in a world of silence

Tracey’s story opens up so many issues that are important in women’s health – from pushing through severe pain at work to carrying a heavy load of shame and stigma. In sharing her story, we hope Tracey’s courage inspires you to keep talking about women’s health issues, to not let shame or embarrassment play a role in your health care and, always, to know that you’re not alone.