Four ways to ease your mental load in midlife

The mental load is the invisible work involved in managing a household, family, relationship or children. It’s the thinking, planning and organising – and it’s a load that falls unevenly to women.

“Often, the busy woman is extremely good at juggling work and other people's demands at the expense of herself," says Professor Jayashri Kulkarni AM, Director of HER Centre Australia, and a leading expert on women's mental health.

We know that compared to men, women in Australia spend more time doing unpaid work and providing care. Research also shows us that women often carry a greater caregiving role, or ‘burden’, when they enter the ‘sandwich generation’ – the group of people parenting their own children while also looking after their ageing parents.

Reasons for these imbalances are complex, but outdated gender norms about what society expects from women don't help. We need change at every level. So what can women do in the meantime to help rebalance the scales? 

1. Divide, don’t delegate

Founder of the Mental Load Project Dr Robyn Miller helps people and couples recognise and rebalance an uneven mental load. She says: “It’s about relearning a new way of thinking.”  

For practical advice, Dr Miller says: “‘Divide not delegate’ is my mantra.” In other words: “Divide the whole task, including the thinking, pre-planning and planning stages. 

“For example, the person responsible for doing the laundry is also responsible for noticing when the basket is full, keeping track of the detergent supply, remembering when the linen was last washed, and ultimately putting the clothes in the machine.

“It then becomes part of their mental load, not yours,” she explains.

Dr Miller believes an essential part of the process is to make space for your partner – or family members – to shoulder some of the workload. Accepting that they may do things differently is also key, she adds.  

Negotiating these changes takes good communication and motivation. If change doesn’t come easily, outside help may be needed.

2. Say yes to no

According to Georgie Harman AO, CEO of Beyond Blue, one of the greatest skills a woman can master is learning to say no and not over-commit.

“As women it can feel uncomfortable to say no to others. But the fact is if we really want to show up for them, we need to show up for ourselves first.”

After a particularly busy period at work and home, Ms Harman was on the verge of burnout. So, she set herself a goal to say no at least 3 times a week. Now, she encourages other women to do the same.

“Looking after your mental health and wellbeing isn't about doing more; it's about making considered choices about how to do less.”

3. Talk (and sweat) it out

While we can’t do much about stresses like rising living costs, there are ways to cope better through trying times.

“Talking it out with friends or family is an important strategy for women,” says Professor Kulkarni. “Putting it into words can reduce the impact [of stress].”

“I would [also] encourage women not to use alcohol as a coping strategy. Replace alcohol with exercise. It’s a head-clearing activity and it diffuses tension in the body,” she adds.

4. Try to focus on the now

When it comes to the to-do list, Professor Kulkarni recommends being in the moment of whatever task is in front of you.

"If you're spending time with your child, then be there with them and get enjoyment out of this time. Being in the moment and not thinking about your long ‘to do’ list will help to decrease your sense of anxiety.”