Healthy relationships

What is a healthy sexual relationship?

Sex can be any kind of activity that one or more people do to feel sexually excited. It’s broader than intercourse (penetrative sex).

Sexual relationships are different for everyone. For example, you might prefer to have a relationship with one person or you may like to have casual relationships with different people.

Having sex with someone is a personal decision. Only you know what type of sexual relationship is right for you.

A healthy sexual relationship involves:

• trust and respect between the people in the relationship
• consent
• open and honest communication about the type of relationship you want, how much sex you want and what you do and don’t enjoy
• open discussions about contraception
• taking precautions to reduce the risk of sexually transmitted infections (STIs)
  
• ensuring the physical and emotional safety of your partner or partners
• caring and checking in with your partner during and after sex.
  

But if you’re not in a sexual relationship for whatever reason, that’s fine too.

New relationships

Starting a new relationship can feel overwhelming at any age or stage of life. You may experience a range of emotions, from being nervous to excited.

When you meet someone you’re attracted to, it’s easy to get swept up in all the fuzzy feelings. But trusting your feelings alone can be risky. It’s important to understand what you want out of the relationship and pay attention to any ‘red flags’ before leaping in.

Tips for new relationships

• Understand what type of relationship you want.
• Set boundaries about how you want to be treated and what you will and won’t accept in a relationship.
• Make sure you’re safe.
• Ensure there’s trust and good communication between you and your partner.
• Talk openly about sex, including what you do and don’t like.
• Keep doing things you want to do and seeing people you want to see.
• Understand that all relationships have their ups and downs and that no relationship (or person) is perfect.

Online dating and dating apps

If you’re ready for a new relationship you can try online dating. There are lots of apps to meet the needs of different people. Some are free and some charge for certain features. You may need to try a few before you find a good one or decide if it’s right for you.

While dating apps are generally safe to use, some people use them to take advantage of others. You can keep yourself safe online by following the online dating advice on the eSafety Commissioner website.

Safer sex

When you start a new sexual relationship, it’s important to have safer sex. This can help prevent sexually transmissible infections (STIs) and unwanted pregnancy.

It’s also a good idea to have a sexual health check before having sex with a new partner. Learn more about safer sex.

Consent

Consent means you agree to have sex or do something sexual, including kissing and intimate touching.

There are many ways you or your partner can ask for consent. For example:

• Are you comfortable right now?
• Is it okay if I… ?
• Is that okay?
• Are you alright?
• Do you want to keep going?
• How far do you want to go?
• What are you comfortable with?
  
• Is there anything you don’t want to do?
• Are you sure you want me to do this?
• Do you want me to stop?

You can give consent by saying ‘yes’ or telling the other person to keep going. You can also use body language, but make sure the other person knows you are giving consent.

Remember, you don’t have to do something if you don’t want to. And you can always change your mind. You can say:

• No, I don’t want to.
• Please stop.
• Not right now.
• I don’t feel comfortable.

It’s important for people to consent every time they have sex or do other sexual activities. This applies even if you are in a long-term relationship. It’s important to check in – don’t just assume consent.
Consent cannot be given in certain situations. For example, if a person is:

• unconscious or asleep
• under the influence of drugs or alcohol
• being threatened or intimidated
• afraid of being hurt if they don’t agree
• misled about the sexual activity.

Watch this video about consent.

Consent laws

In Australia, it’s illegal to engage in any sexual acts without consent. That is sexual assault.

In Australia, you must be a certain age to consent to sex. If you live in the ACT, NSW, NT, Qld, Vic. or WA, you must be 16 years or over. If you live in SA or Tas. you must be 17 years or over.

In Victoria, a person aged between 12 and 16 can consent to sexual activity with a person who is no more than two years older than them.

Each state and territory of Australia has different laws about certain types of sexual behaviours and interactions.

The Australian Institute of Family Studies website has information about age of consent laws.

Visit the Youth Law Australia website for information about youth law in every state and territory, including information about sex and dating.

Where to get help

If you experience sexual assault or sexual violence, you can get help.

If you are in immediate danger, call 000 and ask for the police. It’s your choice if you want to make a police report.

For specialist support, you can visit 1800RESPECT or call 1800 737 732.

You can also find a national sexual assault services directory at the National Association of Services Against Sexual Violence.

It’s important to get medical help as soon as possible after an assault. You can do this at a hospital or healthcare centre.

Sexting and nudes

Sometimes people use their mobile phones or the internet to ask for and share sexual messages, images or videos. This is called ‘sexting’. Images where someone is naked, partly naked, posing sexually or doing a sexual act are called ‘nudes’.
People might send these images for different reasons. For example, to be fun and flirty or to get someone to like them.

While sexting may seem harmless, there are some risks involved. It’s important to understand these so you can protect yourself and people you have relationships with.

Once sexual images have been shared it’s hard to get them back. It’s also easy for people to share the images or post them online without your consent. This is called ‘image-based abuse’. It can include:

• revenge porn – when someone shares your images with other people
• sexual extortion – when someone tricks you into sharing nudes or other sexual content and then threatens to share it if you don’t pay them (this is also known as blackmail or ‘sextortion’)
• sexual grooming – when someone tricks you into thinking you’re in a relationship so you can do sex acts together (e.g. when someone is underage or there is a power imbalance).

Sexting laws

Sexting is legal in Australia if both people are over 18 and give consent.

It’s illegal to send, receive or look at a ‘sext’ of anyone who is under 18. It’s also illegal to share sexual images of anyone without their consent.

Be safe online

You can find more information about being safe online on the eSafety Commissioner website.

You can also report any online abuse on the eSafety Commissioner website, including image-based abuse.

What is an unhealthy sexual relationship?

It can be hard to tell if you are in an unhealthy sexual relationship. Signs may include:

• lack of communication
• lack of trust
• jealousy
• excessive anger
• physical or verbal abuse.

It’s important to pay attention to ‘red flags’. For example, if your partner:

• tries to control what you do and who you see
• threatens or frightens you
  
• uses their power to manipulate you
• makes you feel worthless or bad about yourself
• pressures, tricks or forces you to have sex when you don’t want to (this is also known as ‘sexual coercion’)
• tries to control your reproduction (this is also known as ‘reproductive coercion’).

Where to get help

If you think you might be in an unhealthy relationship, you can talk to a trusted friend or counsellor.

If you feel unsafe in your relationship you can visit 1800RESPECT or call 1800 737 732.

If you’re in immediate danger, call 000.