Grief and loss

Grief is the feeling we experience following loss, death or significant change in our lives. There is no one way to grieve and deal with loss. How we respond individually depends on the strength of our attachment to what we have lost and how the loss occurred.

Types of loss

The death of a loved one is the most common type of loss. However loss also includes separation or divorce, loss of health when facing significant illness or disability, financial loss, and other lifechanging events.

Jean Hailes psychologist Dr Mandy Deeks explains, “Loss doesn’t have to be a person or thing, it can be symbolic–loss of career potential due to extended or major illness, for example. Loss is usually complex and layered; a woman who experiences premature menopause may feel a loss of femininity, loss of fertility, along with loss of time and money due to treatments or medical investigations. Her parents may grieve the loss of ever being grandparents. Loss can be complicated if it cannot be publicly acknowledged; for example a couple who keep their pregnancy secret and then experience miscarriage.”

Factors affecting the experience of grief

Our personality, thoughts, expectations, beliefs, values and attitudes all affect our experience of grief. For example, people who view loss as a natural part of life’s journey are sometimes more accepting of personal loss. According to Mandy, “Our level of attachment also affects our experience; generally, the more attached we are, the harder we take the loss. A person who ‘lives’ for their job and has few other interests will cope with losing their job differently from someone who is less attached to their work and actively engaged in other pursuits.”

The availability of support and meaningful relationships also contributes to our experience of grief. Other factors include age (an elderly couple may be more prepared for the death of their partner, however their long life together may make the loss no less difficult), culture (some cultures have defined mourning periods and importance is placed on a supportive network of family and friends) and spiritual or religious practice. Additional stressors such as job loss or health problems are likely to affect grief too, as is our history of loss. Some people may grieve a past loss when a new loss occurs e.g. a woman whose mother dies may grieve the death of her father ten years before. She may then also grieve the loss of her identity as a daughter.

How long does grief last?

Grief is individual; there’s no ‘normal’ grieving timeframe. Rather than grit our teeth and think ‘I’ll eventually get over this’, it can be more helpful to accept that grief may stay with us forever. It’s what you do with your loss and how you acknowledge it that’s important. “Denying grief and loss or listening to well-meaning advice like ‘get over it’ is rarely useful. Instead, accepting that you’ll continue to grieve at various times throughout your life can be a big relief,” says Mandy. If you’re overwhelmed by any of the grief responses listed in the next column, seek help. Feeling depressed or anxious is a sign to go to your doctor.

Coping strategies and self-care

The effectiveness of different coping strategies depends on the individual. If you’re an emotionally expressive person, you may benefit from talking to a friend or spending time with family. Similarly, you may like to spend time with people who remind you that everything will be okay. Avoid people who exhaust you or who are uncomfortable talking about your grief. If you leave a conversation feeling bad or inadequate, it’s time to seek other help.

If you’re not an emotional person, you may prefer to spend time alone or become active and take control of other areas of your life. It’s important to give yourself permission to cry, but it’s also okay not to cry! Some people find it useful to have a private place to sit and grieve.
Grief often leads to reduced immunity, so self-care is important. Eat and sleep as well as you can and do some exercise, even if it’s a gentle, short walk. Avoid alcohol, recreational drugs and inappropriate use of prescription medications to numb the pain. Mandy encourages women not to expect too much of themselves. “There’s no right or wrong time to return to work – a good indicator is to go back when it feels meaningful. Activities and distraction can help, as long as you’re not denying your loss. The important thing is to give yourself space to grieve and adjust not only to your loss, but your changed life.”

Content Updated May 2010