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Great Expectations
Frequently Asked Questions
 Great Expectations
We all feel a bit overwhelmed from time to time and occasionally feel as if we are the only one not coping. We are pressured to live up to our own, and other people’s, expectations. Like a duck gliding gracefully across the pond, no one realises that under the calm water we may be paddling madly to stay afloat.
Unrealistic Expectations
Many women have high expectations of themselves. We compare ourselves to our friends, family, peers and people in the media. We wonder why everyone else seems to be able to ‘do-it-all’ while we are struggling to juggle the roles of mother, partner, daughter, friend, sister, employee, boss, housekeeper, cook and chauffeur. Some women feel as if they have to be ‘superwoman’ to get everything done.
Jean Hailes psychologist, Dr Mandy Deeks, believes that having unrealistic expectations is a big problem for many women. “Putting too much pressure on ourselves can lead to stress and exhaustion. Some women feel like a failure and a fraud. They feel overwhelmed, like they can’t cope. Outside pressure can add to these feelings; we worry about letting other people down.”
Self-esteem and Body Image
Poor self-esteem and body image are not just issues for teenagers. Many women
approaching midlife find that changes to their bodies, lifestyles and relationships can affect the way they feel about themselves. Putting yourself down (also known as negative selftalk) is a common sign of low self-esteem.
The way you think and feel about your body defines your ‘body image’. Nearly half of all average weight women overestimate their size and shape. This is why it can be difficult to accept a compliment; we do not always see ourselves as others see us.
Body image and self-esteem levels may be up or down at different times and can be influenced by family, friends and the media. However, if you often feel down about your body or are suffering long-term self-esteem issues, it can be helpful to seek professional advice. |
‘Me-time’
Most of us struggle to find a balance in our lives. The competing demands of work, family and friends, leave little room for ‘me-time’. This means time to take care of yourself, to value yourself and to do things that make you happy. When juggling a number of commitments, your own needs, health and wellbeing are often the first things to suffer.
Anyone who has travelled on a plane will be familiar with the safety instructions, ‘Please fasten your own oxygen mask before helping others.’. We can apply this same principle when managing priorities in our own lives. “It’s important for women to realise that putting yourself first is not selfish, because taking time out to relax and rejuvenate is essential for overall health and wellbeing,” says Mandy. “It helps give you the energy to be there for everyone else.”
“The year I turned 60 I wanted to go on an overseas trip but my family wanted to have a big party, so we did that instead. Sometimes I feel like I don’t have the right to stand up for myself. I’ve spent my life putting other people’s needs before my own. Now I look at my life and wonder, what have I really achieved? I’m not even sure I want to be with my partner anymore but the idea of being alone again after all these years is terrifying.”
— Louise, Qld |
Not enough hours in the day?
Not having enough time to do everything is a common complaint. Schedules are often so overfilled with activities that we spend our lives rushing from one appointment to the next. Trying to do too much is a major cause of stress and fatigue.
Mandy sometimes asks her clients to record how they spend their time in a Weekly Activities Diary. Often women have no idea how much they do in one week. “Seeing their weekly routine in black and white helps some women realise they are trying to do too much. I advise them to try to make small changes to reduce activities where possible; for example, try not to have two nights out in a row.” Mandy warns this may mean saying ‘No’ sometimes, another concept that many women struggle with.
See Resource Tool: Weekly Activity Diary
Goal-Setting
Having goals can give us direction and motivation. Achieving them gives us pride and satisfaction. Sometimes, reaching a goal takes longer, or is more difficult than we originally thought. This can lead to feelings of frustration and disappointment. Fear of failure can hold us back from achieving our goals. When we don’t achieve them, we feel bad for failing and lose motivation.
Mandy's advice is to set goals that are achievable and manageable. “Being successful at one goal, no matter how small it is, will motivate you to move on to your next. That sense of achievement will boost your selfconfidence and increase your self-esteem.”
Frequently asked questions
answered by Dr Mandy Deeks
Q: Trying to work and raise a family is pushing me to breaking point! At work I feel guilty for not being with my children, and by the time I get home, I’m so drained that I don’t have the energy to interact with the kids. Who are these women who ‘have-it-all’?
A: Many women try to ‘have-it-all’ but end up feeling torn and not good enough. Ask yourself these questions:
- Do I have realistic expectations of myself?
- What is important to me? (e.g. relationships, family, career)
- What values are important to me? What kind of mother, partner, worker or friend do I want to be?
- How do I want to look after my health?
Answering these questions can help give you some direction and highlight where you may need to make changes.
Q: My biggest worry is: “What will people think of me?” Every time I make a mistake, I worry I’m being judged. If I say or do the wrong thing, I feel worthless and stupid. It makes me scared to do things in case I embarrass myself. I’ve always had low selfesteem so it’s probably too late to change now, right?
A: Self-esteem can go up or down at different times in our lives. Just because you had low self-esteem in the past, doesn’t mean you will have low self-esteem forever. Try not to be so hard on yourself and avoid putting yourself down. We all make mistakes – no one is perfect. Learning to treat ourselves with
respect is the first step. Instead of focusing on the negatives, try to think about all the things you do well
or like about yourself. Make a list of these things and put it somewhere you will see it often; inside a drawer that you open regularly is a good place.
Q: I keep hearing that women need to take time-out for themselves, but reading a book or taking a bubble bath would be just one more thing on my to-do list! Also, not everyone can afford yoga classes, massages or nights out at the movies. What do you suggest if we don’t have the time or money to take time-out?
A: Finding an hour each day to spend on ourselves may seem impossible for some people. Instead, try to find several 10 minute blocks and make the most of the time you do have.
Try these low-cost suggestions:
- Walk around the block or around the backyard.
- Sit and be present in the moment. Be mindful of the colours, sounds and feel of your environment.
This allows you to stop and take a break for a few moments, which is soothing and refreshing.
- Give your partner, child, pet, or friend a cuddle.
- Make a cuppa and find a hidden spot to sit and drink it while it’s still hot.
- Phone or email a friend or family member you haven’t been in touch with for a while.
- Think about what gives you joy – often these are the smallest things like hearing laughter or seeing a child’s eyes light up.
| “The house is a mess, the kids are out of control and I’m always making mistakes at work. I’m hopeless! Everyone I know seems to manage their busy lives without any problems but I feel completely overwhelmed. I’m exhausted and I’ve put on heaps of weight in the last few years because I don’t have time to eat properly or exercise.” — Karen, Vic |
Q: I hate disappointing people by saying ‘No’.
A: Whether it’s out of habit, a sense of obligation or a desire to please people, many women find
themselves saying ‘Yes’ too often and taking on more than they can handle. It’s easy to lose track of how many commitments we have. Completing a Weekly Activities Diary (available at www.jeanhailes.org.au) can help you see how much you’re doing and where you might be able to cut back. Rather than saying “No” or “Yes” straight away, ask if you can think about it, or take time to check your diary (or activity diary) to see if it fits with your plans.
Q: When I was younger, I was full of hopes and dreams but I never pursued them. Now I feel it’s too late and I’ve missed my chance.
A: If you still have the desire to follow those dreams, then it’s not too late. Write down your goals; these could be short (up to six months) or long term. The secret to achieving any goal is to break it up into smaller, more manageable steps. You can fulfill almost any goal if it is important to you and you are confident you can achieve it. Brainstorm what might stop you from reaching your goal and plan ways to overcome these obstacles. You may find it helpful to seek support from friends, family or a health practitioner. Make your goals achievable, and don’t be frightened to change them if necessary. ‘Having a go’ is the most important thing.
Further Resources
Better Health Channel has fact sheets on self-esteem and body image at www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au
Lifeline www.lifeline.org.au or call 13 11 14
For more information, see the emotional health section of our health for women website www.healthforwomen.org.au
Content Updated May 25, 2009
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